Soccer Joke Page

Sair tae Bear
It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Referee family is just waking up. Baby Referee goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Daddy Referee arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl.
It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Referee puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen, flashes two red cards and screams, "For gawd sake, how many times do we have to go through this crap?
I haven't made the porridge yet!"

GAS

Riki Herbert goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week Riki comes back. "Doctor," he says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

One Way Malc

Malcolm Evans was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Malc baby, , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the One-Way North. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car," said sweaty Malc, , "It's hundreds of them!"

"Blair's Dilemma'
75 year old Blair Davidson went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the Blair reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the
jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what
happened and the ex-goalie explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right
hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She
even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied,
"yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

"Size to the Wise"
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.02:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Kiwis: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.
I say again, divert YOUR course.
Kiwis: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE
A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Kiwis: This is the Nuggets lighthouse. Your call.........

Lighter shade of Pale
... A couple visiting Neil Mackenzie's Art exhibition are looking at a portrait
that has them a little taken aback.
The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench;
2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Neil himself walks by and says
"Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."

Neil replies "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Kiwi coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

As Clean As ....
... A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather Tommy Oram and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
Tommy replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked,
"Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, old Tom shouted,
"Coldwater, get your arse out of the way"!

Chapped Lips Cure

A cowboy rides into Dunedin and stops at Cableways, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass,
The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?"
The cowboy answers "Chapped lips".
"Wow!" says the Murray. "It cures chapped lips?"
"No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

Safe in Waitak
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought
about living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."

"Okay," said the judge, "Then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?"
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Auckland."
You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh certainly," said baby bear, "She lives in Waitakere - and they don't beat anybody."

Run Tony Run ....

... An obviously overweight Tony Smith decided to sign up for a weight loss program in Christchurch, complete with a personal trainer. It included a run each morning at 6:00 a.m.
So when the door bell rings the next morning, the famous Chch journalist is dressed and ready to go. When he opens the door he sees the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. She's tall, very well endowed above a very slim waist with long graceful legs. She's dressed in a small pair of running shorts and a running halter that can barely contain her. She smiles and says,
"If you can catch me, you can have me." and starts off at a very fast run.

This continues each morning. After about three very frustrating weeks the former goalie begins to get in shape and can almost keep up with her. One morning he's almost able to touch her running shorts but can't hang on. But he thinks tomorrow will be the big day. I'll catch her and have her. He barely sleeps that night waiting in eager anticipation.
The next morning, the bell rings precisely at 6:00 am. Tony runs to the door and throws it open. There stands a huge burley woman, at least six feet five inches in height and over 250 pounds. She's muscled up like a plow ox and has a large wart amid her facial hair. She smiles and says,
"I'm your new trainer. If I can catch you, I can have you!"

Load of Balls

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: soccer
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Movements at the Top

Bill, Charlie and Mick were sitting around and talking after a SNZ meeting.
The 80-year-old Mick said,"The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old Chas said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I
could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I
can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old Bill said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."

Doctor Jim

Doctor Jim Letts walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer
out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,
"Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

Cuckoo Chids

... The other night Chids was invited out for a night with the guys. he told his wife that he would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, our Chids headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, he realized she'd probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. Beau was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, he thought! Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When Chids asked her why she said
"Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more....
... then farted."

Spot the Legover
... A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened".
"I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom,
and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The guy gulps it down once again.
The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through.
Pack your bag's and get out, I told her !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

Maca's wee Mate
Technical coach Neil Mackenzie walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots.
One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until
your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Big Mac says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."
He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the Tech coach retorted.
So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Shrugging, Neil flicks a dollar coin down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Chids, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter
and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Neil looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Chids, tell him about that time we were touring with the Otago team in Africa,
and you called that native Witch doctor an asshole!"

Rab Smith's way to live life .......

"Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must
lie about your age, do it in the other direction:
tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look bloody great.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go
and seeing it swimming away.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time
every day just sitting.
Boo joggers.
Don't work out, work in.
Play the banjo.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like.
Marry somebody you like.
Try to do a job you like.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout,
'F**k them all!' at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of
old...look forward to it.
Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?
He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when
there's spinach on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer.
Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international
language, it has no swearwords.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six 'f**k's in it.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
Salute nobody.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
Above all, go to Edinburgh at least once in your life and have a roll and
square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over
your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'.

All Alone .....

Victoria Whines. Posh Spice decided to help benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counsellor. One day during break time she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end. Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to have a conversation with him, so she approached and asked if he was alright, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game. The boy said he was OK. A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, Victoria said, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The boy hesitated, then said, 'Okay,' looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, She then asked, 'Why are you standing here alone? 'Because,' the little boy said with great exasperation... 'I'm the ******* goalkeeper - now just leave me alone.'

Not Chas Dempsey

Prince Charles goes into the butcher's. He says to the assistant, "Could I have one pork chop, one sausage, one rasher of bacon, one steak, one pie, black pudding and one slice of ham, please?" The assistant hands him his shopping and says to him, "Excuse me asking sir, you're single, aren't you?"
His royal highness replies, "Yes, I am, could you tell that from my shopping list?"
The assistant replies, "No, it's just yer an ugly bastard!"

One Good Turn

Chris Turner was driving around the harbour when his car brakes failed and he and the car landed up in the water. Three kids playing nearby saw what happened and dived in to the water and dragged old soul to safety. Chris said to the kids, for their efforts, they could have whatever they requested.
The first kid asked for a Kingz season ticket,
the second asked for a signed fitba top and fitba, and the third asked for a wheelchair.
Chris Turner was curious at this third request as the kid looked like a very healthy little boy.
'Why do you want a wheelchair, son?'
'It's like this, mister. When ma father finds out it was you that I've saved,
then I'll need a wheelchair!""

180
A Celtic fan and a Rangers fan are playing darts, and up steps the Celtic fan to the ocky first. First dart double top, second dart double top and the third dart bounces off the board and straight back at the Rangers fan and kills him. Then the MC announces: "1 hun dead and eighty!"

2002 World Cup squads. Our favourite is that of Brazil. Their starting eleven is: Pinnochio, Libero, Vimto, Memento, Borneo, Tango, Cheerio, Subbuteo, Scenario, Fellatio and Portfolio. The subs are Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Brasso, Stereo (L), Stereo (R), Hydrochlorofluoro and Aristotle.

Krap Taste
"A lion in Glasgow Zoo was lying in the sun licking its backside when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'
'No way,' said the keeper, 'it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why, just an hour ago it dragged a Rangers Fan into the cage and completely devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished visitor. 'Why is it lying there licking its bum?'
'The poor thing is trying get the taste out of its mouth.'"

No 'arm in that eh?
An armless man walked into Cableways Tavern which is empty except for Murray behind the bar.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the obliging Murray if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The Murray obliged him. He then asked if the Cableways boss would tip the glass to his lips.
Murray did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if big Murray would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
Murray did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"
Quick as a flash, Murray replies -,
"The closest one is in the petrol station three blocks down at the Octagon."

Vogtland dog

There was an Australian tourist in Germany, and he had his pet with him on
a leash. He decided to check out the German beer, so he went to this German
beer garden. While he was there he got talking to this Big muscled Aryan looking
bloke, who asked him "What kind of dog is that you've got?"
"Its a long nosed long tailed short legged Australian terrier" replied the Australian.
"I breed German Shepherds myself" said the German to which the Aussie replied,
"So What?"
"I'll bet one of my German shepherds could beat your long nosed, long tailed short
legged Australian Terrier any day!" said the German.
So they agreed to match the Germans best dog against the Aussies long nosed long
tailed short legged Australian Terrier. The German got his dog and it was HUGE!
It was the biggest German Shepherd this Aussie had ever seen! They started the
fight, and the German Shepherd got slaughtered!
Bits of German Shepherd went in all directions and its' tail landed in someone's
drink! All you could see of the German Shepherd at the end was a bloody bone!
The German asked the Aussie, "Vot kind of dog is that?"
The Aussie replied "In Australia we call them Crocodiles!"

Centreback substitute
This bloke and his missus were travelling along in their car. Some time later a police
officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window
and says "Did you know you were speeding back there?"
The lady, who is almost deaf turns to her husband and says "What did he say, what
did he say?"
The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding."
The officer then said "Where do you come from?"
The man replied "Caversham"
The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."
The officer then said "Shit, I had my worst screw ever in Broken Hill."
The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns back and says, "He says he thinks he knows you."

Some Kinda Joke ?

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African,
an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers,
a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bar tender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Holy Hands .....
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to
watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an
old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting
gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man
advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help
but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"
states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece
for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same
price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realise they'd ended up
with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda
got a bigger truck."

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin's he
has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to a Leather goods
Manufacture and says to the man "Can you do anything with these".
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet.
In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can
do is a wallet!" The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it
will grow into a suitcase."

Blair Davidson just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the
assembled media.
"Excuse me, sir," on of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?
"It's actually quite simple," the old bloke replied. "I just never argue."
"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "Here must be something else, like diet,
or meditation, or something. Just not bloody arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!"
The old Blair stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."

Murray walks into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The chemist says.
"Well, I am, "replies the Cableways manager.
"You'll have to prove it," says the chemist.
So Muz rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the chemist
and finally gets his condoms.
A few days later, Murray goes back to the same chemist to get some flea
powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the chemist asks.
Murray reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog licence and is finally
handed his flea powder.
The next day he's back in the shop and hands the chemist a screw-top-jar.
"Here, smell this," he tells the chemist.
"The chemist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.
"Shit!" cries the chemist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says our Murray, "Now can I have two rolls of toilet paper, thanks."

23.
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Today Yahoo was purchased by Netscape. The new company
will be relocating to Tel Aviv. The new company will be
called "Net & Yahoo".

A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British guy pulls over, rolls down the window, and says,
"Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless! 'op in!"

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals
who were hitchhiking.
They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his breath,
then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."
A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart."
The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."
"Jesus Fuckin Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen
to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse.
"Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce?
A real virgin"

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put
his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy
do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what
the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and
listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient
and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Two vomits are walking down the street when
one of them starts crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the other vomit.
"Ooh, this is the neighborhood I was brought up in"

Two white men and an Aborigine were in prison together. One of the whites
said he was in for ten years for attempted rape, but thought himself lucky he
hadn't actually done the rape or he would be in for twenty years.
The other white said he was in for fifteen years for attempted murder, but was
lucky his victim had lived, or he would be doing life.
The Aborigine then said he was in for twenty-five years for riding his bike
without a light, but reckoned he was lucky it wasn't night time.

Who will give the bride away?" asked the preacher.
"I could," came a voice from the back of the church,
"but I'm keeping my mouth shut."

"But, Holmes," Said Dr Watson, "if the murder was committed in the kitchen,
as you've deducted, how do you account for all the bloodstains on the
Louis XIV parlor chair?
The master sleuth replied, "Elementary, my good Watson… it's period furniture."

When an Irishman couldn't get a dance his friend decided to tell him the truth.
'Look, it's the smell from your socks. Go home and change them
and you'll have no trouble.'
Later in the evening the Irishman complained that he still couldn't get a dance.
'Did you change your socks?'
'Of course I did,' said the Irishman, pulling them from his pocket.

Two Jewish businessmen were discussing insurance. "You need fire insurance,
burglary insurance and flood insurance."
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the other, "but the flood
insurance? How do you start a flood?"

A bloke stuck his head in the doorway of the barbershop and asked the barber,
"How many people are waiting?"
"Five," the barber replied.
The bloke thanked him and left.
The next day the bloke was back, again asking the barber how many people
were waiting. The barber replied, "Six," and again the bloke thanked him and left.
This went on every day for two weeks. Finally getting pissed off about it, the barber
told his helper, "That damned guy comes by here every day, asks how many people
are waiting, and then just leaves. Next time, I want you to follow him and find out
where he goes.
The next day, the bloke poked his head in the barbershop and asked the usual
question. After the barber told him seven, the bloke thanked him enthusiastically
and left, with the barber's helper right on his tail.
The barber's helper returned a short time later, completely winded.
"Well? Well?" the barber demanded impatiently. "Where is that guy in such a hurry
to go that he can't wait in line?"
After catching his breath, the helper replied, "Your house."

An Irish electrician was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair.
After about 2 hours in there he came out and said "Blimey, I'm not touching
that thing, it's a fucking deathtrap!"

Lyall's Joke
The frightened young bride wanted to spend her wedding night at
her mother's house. That night, as her new husband began taking
his shirt off, the bride took one look and promptly went running to
her mother.
"He's got hair all over his chest," she cried. "What should I do?"
"Go back to your husband," her mother replied, "and do your wifely duty."
After she returned to the bedroom, her husband took his pants off. Again,
she went running to her mother. "He's got hair all over his legs," she whimpered.
"What should I do?"
"Go back and do your wifely duty," her mother said again.
Returning once more, she watched as her husband took off his shoes. Noticing
that one of his feet was half-amputated, off she went to mother. "He's only got
one and a half feet!" she wailed, "what should I do?"
"Just calm down and wait here, dear," her mother soothed. "Mother will take
over now."

A Kiwi walks into a bar with one thong on.
The barman asks, 'Did ya lose a thong, mate?'
'Nah,' replies the Kiwi, 'I just found one.'

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room
at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been
badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's
valet service to pick it up for pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door,
and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting.
Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed,
"My, you come lickety-split!"
"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "Come to get laundry."

"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf."
"Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get
the shovel and clean it up!"

Sammy Haddow goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup,
and the Scottish waiter brings a bowl out and puts it in front
of the bloke. He looks at it and says to the waiter, "there's
a fly in my soup!"
The Scottish waiter looks in the bowl and pulls the half drowned
fly out and says "spit it out, spit it out!"

The judge in a criminal case in Dublin was shocked when the accused pleaded
guilty to the charge but was acquitted by the jury.
"How did you arrive at that verdict?" he asked the foreman of the jury.
"Well, Your Honour," was the reply, "everybody except you knows him to
be the biggest liar in Ireland."

REFS ?
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to
walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she
spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "wow, I'd sure
love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass
and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another
shop window. "what I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the
window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Fuck me dead, darling." the skinhead moaned. "Do you think I'm made of
bricks or something!"

52.
Two Irishman, Pat and Mick had been on the piss. When they woke up in
the morning the blinds were drawn. 'Is it day or night' asked Pat.
'I'll go and have a look,' said Mick. So he lifted the blind and looked out.
'Well,' said Pat, 'is it day or night?'
'I can't remember,' Said Mick.

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.
His mate asked him what it was like.
"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home
and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they
let you fuck their women whenever you want."
"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians
were real pricks."
"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

An old blind man was standing on the corner when his dog
cocked its leg and pissed all over the bloke's trousers.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit.
"You shouldn't reward him for doing something like that," said
a passerby. "He'll never learn."
"I'm not rewarding him," replied the blind bloke. "I'm just trying
to find his mouth so I can kick his arse!"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."

One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some
dental work.
The tooth fairy says to the other one sitting in the chair: "You know, you
have the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

Four union men were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first
was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union, who said his dog could
do geometry.
His dog was named "Tee Square", and he told him to go to the blackboard,
and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with ease.
The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog
was much better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a
dozen biscuits, and divide them into four even piles, which Slide Rule did
without problem.
The Liquor Trade member admitted that both were quite good, but he felt
that his dog could outperform them. His dog was named "Measure", and he
was told to go and get a stubby of beer, and pour seven ounces into a ten
ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw.
They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member, and said "What can
your mongrel do?" The Waterside Worker called his dog, which was named
"Tea Break" and said to him "Show these bastards what you can do mate.
"Tea Break went over and ate the biscuits, drank the beer, pissed on the
blackboard, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, and
filed a worker's compensation form, then shot through on sick leave.

A pillow biter goes into a doctor's surgery convinced that he is pregnant.
"How could you possibly be pregnant?" asks the doctor, "Who is the father?"
"What do you think I have," The queer says in a high pitched squeal, "eyes in the
back of my head?"

****

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender,
"I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all
her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to
the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat.
The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives
me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here,
she's with a black guy."

An Abo was waiting for a bus at Redfern when a big Rottweiller walked up to
him on his left and dropped a big turd on the ground next to the Abo.
A couple of minutes later a german shepherd came up to him on his right and he
also dropped a big mean looking turd.
A few minutes later the bus pulled up and the driver opened the door.
"How much to Circular Quay?" the Abo asked.
The driver replied "That'll be $2 for you and 50c each for your two kids."

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot four
and built like a brick shithouse. He has a huge red beard and despite
the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his
kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely
gorgeous, she's slim, shapely, with a fair complexion. A real heart stopper.
The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the
highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
Right, yew" he shouts, "I want yew to masturbate",
"but…," stammers the driver,
"Now..., or I'll bloody kill yew"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only
takes a few seconds.
"Right" says the highlander "Do it again!"
"but…," says the driver.
"Now!" yelled the irate highlander.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, he
collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"Aie right laddie" he says, "Now yew can gimme daughter a lift to Inverness".

A publican is shutting up for the night when there is a
knock at the door. When he answers, a dero asks him for a
tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the dero goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers,
there is a second dero who also asks for a toothpick. He gets
his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third dero. The
publican says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too".
"No, a straw". The publican gives him a straw but is curious why
he wants it, so he asks the dero why he wants a straw and not a
toothpick. "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good
stuff's gone already."

Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and
waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs.
We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said.
"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."
"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive,
and eat your mother".

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation on the Gold Coast.
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain
physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression
is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "One,
Two, Three...Hup!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.
"I couldn't even get on the flaming bed!"

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog stuck to his head.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Frog: It started with a bump on my arse?

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it
will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It had a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is
hell, I really want to see heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but
not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall
screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by
demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he
screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited
two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the
water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

There were four men travelling on a train. An Australian, a Cuban, a Scot, and
a Vietnamese. They're travelling along on the train and the Cuban opens up his
brief case. In his brief case he has hundreds of Cuban cigars. He pulls out one,
lights it, and has two of three puffs and chucks it out the window.
The Aussie sings out "What are you doing, in Australia they cost 25 bucks each".
The Cuban replies "Where I come from, we have millions of them."
Later, the Scot opens up his trunk, and pulls out one of the many bottles of fine
scotch whiskey in there. He opens it, and takes a few swigs and chucks the bottle
out of the window.
The Aussie sings out "What are you doing, in Australia that cost $30 a bottle."
The Scot turns around and says, 'Where I come from, we have millions of bottles
of the stuff'.
The Australian sits there for a few moments, picks up the Vietnamese and chucks
him out of the window.
The Scot and the Cuban say "What did you do that for?".
The Aussie replied "Where I come from we've got millions of them!"

Snow White and the seven dwarves were returning home to their cottage one
night after a day down the mine when Dopey walked up to Snow White and
asked her, "Are there any midget Nuns in this forest?"
Amidst much giggling from the other dwarves, Snow White replied, "No, Dopey.
There are no midget Nuns in this forest."
A bit further down the track, Dopey asks with a hint more desperation in his voice
"Are there any midget Nuns in this country?" Again, Snow White replied to the
negative amidst much laughter emanating from the direction of the other dwarves.
Almost back to the cottage, Dopey is starting to look really upset, so he strides
up to Snow White and demands "Are there any midget Nuns on the whole planet?"
Before Snow White could reply, the other dwarves broke down completely and
started chanting, "Dopey Fucked A Penguin, Dopey Fucked A Penguin"

An Abo was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.
"That's ridiculous!" the Abo shouted at the pool manager.
"Everybody does it, you know."
"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

Two mates were having a drink when one said; "I heard you and your wife
split up, what happened?"
"Look," the other bloke answered. "Would you put up with someone throwing
wild party's, getting in at all hours of the night and having friends over to stay
as long as they like?"
"Nope," the first bloke said. "I can't say I would."
"Neither would me wife" the other fella said.
"So I left."

An Irishman was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories.
A week later the Irishman complained to the doctor that they
didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing with 'em," the Irishman said,
"shoving them up my arse?"

A bloke stopped his car outside a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could
use his dunny.
"Sure you can, mate, but I gotta warn you - it's a bit of a mess," the cocky said.
"My wife takes salts, you see."
The bloke made his way to the shithouse at the back of the yard.
There he saw that the farmer hadn't exaggerated.
The ceiling, floor and walls of the dunny were all covered in shit.
He used it anyway and made his escape outside as quickly as he could, but still
stopped to thank the farmer.
"By the way," the bloke asked, "what kind of salts does your wife take?"
"Er, somersaults," replied the farmer.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
"What are you doing here today?" says the bloke to the woman next to him.
"Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." She says.
"Ahh, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The bloke replies.
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and after chatting a for a little while longer
they went their separate ways.
A month later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
"Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" the man asks the woman. The woman
then starts shaking her head and says "Mmm-mmm-mmmm-mmmm"

player

A Nigger walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!

An old bloke went to his doctor and said, "I've got this toilet problem, doc."
"Well," said the doctor, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at seven o'clock - like a baby," replied the old bloke."
"Good," said the doctor. "How about your bowel movements?"
"Eight o'clock each morning - like clockwork," answered the old bloke.
"So what's the problem?" the doctor asked perplexed.
"Well," the old bloke explained, "I don't get up until nine!"

There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they
rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met
St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed
a place to stay.
St Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season.
I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy."
The Aussie slipped St Pete $50 and asked if that'd make any difference.
St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth."
By the time the Aussie got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance.
They all got a real shock when he sat up.
"What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver.
He told them about St Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other
two didn't come back.
"Well," says the Aussie, "the Scotsman's trying to bargain him down to $20 and the
Abo reckons the government should pay for it!"

Tarzan lumbered home after a hard day's work just in time to see a crocodile snap
one of his 15 kids off the riverbank.
"Hey Jane," he yelled, "Did you see that?"
"Oh come to bed," Jane shouted back, "and we'll make another one."
The next day, as Tarzan was making his way home again, it happened once more.
A crocodile came out of the river and grabbed one of his kids.
Jane was not in the least bit concerned when Tarzan brought it to her attention.
"Let's go to bed and make another one," she said.
"No way!" Tarzan boomed, stamping his feet. "I'm not working all day and fucking
all night just to feed the bloody pet crocodiles!"

This fella walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Mate, have I got some Irish
jokes for you!"

The barman leans over to him and says: "Listen, if I were you, I'd watch what I said. Both
the bouncers are Irish, I'm Irish, in fact, everyone in this bar is Irish."

"Oh, that's okay," says the fella, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-o-w-l-y."

Cableways
A guy goes up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a gin and
tonic." The bartender reaches beneath the bar and puts an apple on the
bar. The guy looks at it suspiciously and says, "Where's my drink?" The
bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." Incredibly, the first bite
tastes like gin. The bartender says, "Turn it around." The guy can't
believe it, the other side tastes like tonic. He eats the apple.

A bit later, the guy says to the bartender, "Gimme a vodka and orange
juice." The bartender again reaches under the bar and places an apple
there. The guy, once again eyes the suspicious fruit. The bartender
says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy can't believe it! It tasted like
orange juice. The bartender says, "Turn it around." Again, the apple
tastes like vodka and the man finishes the apple.

Just about then, a beautiful woman passes the two men, and the guy at
the bar says, "You know, I could sure go for eating some pussy right
now." The bartender nods his head and retrieves yet another apple from
under the bar. The man stares at the apple in disbelief and says, "No
way, man!" The bartenders tells him, "Go ahead. Take a bite."

After the first bite, the man angrily spits the apple out and yells,
"Yuck! That apple takes like shit, man!!" The bartender looks at the man
and calmly says, "Turn it around."

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly, a little white duck,
all covered with shit, crossed her path.

"Oh, dear", the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse
and did a good job. After that she urged the duck away, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex
and cleaned the little animal. She warned this one as well and the duck took off.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. "Now I have had it!" She screamed,
"what have you been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on - suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes.

"Hey, you, lady!", sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"Not anymore, no.", she answered.

"Too bad, I'll have to use another duck."

One day in the forest a rabbit and a bear were talking when the rabbit said "Gee.. I feel like
a shit"

"Me too", said the bear. So they wandered off to a quite spot and had a shit. Then the bear
said to the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

"No", replied the rabbit. "Good" said the bear so he grabbed the rabbit and wiped his arse with him.

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots
a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me"
he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that, it will be okay because
you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

There were three guys walking down a beach.. A Jew, a Black guy and a white guy.
They stumble upon a lamp which, naturally, they rub. Out comes the Genie and he
says they each get one wish.

The Jew goes first and says "I wish all my people could go back to Israel and
live in peace and harmony." The genie snaps his fingers and the Jew disappears.

The Black guy goes next. He says, "I wish all my people could go back to Africa
and live in peace and harmony. The genie snaps his fingers and the black guy
disappears.

It's now the white guy's turn. He says, "Wait a minute, all the Jews are in Israel?"
The genie says yes. "And all the Blacks are in Africa?" The genie again says yes.
"OK, I'll take a beer."

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground
rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth
operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his
inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and
was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after
trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on
inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three
bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of
glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of
what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once
again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and
once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.
Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general
direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more
he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker
with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target
and inspecting it closely.

"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent
68-piece set of glassware"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another
one of those delicious crusty meat pies".

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

BVG

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A Taste of Jafa
"A lion in Dunedin Zoo was lying in the sun licking its backside when Ken Dugdale on a rare visit to the South, turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'
'NO WAY,' said the keeper, 'it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why, just an hour ago
it dragged an Auckland visitor into the cage and completely devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished Dugdale. 'Why is it lying there licking its bum?'
Zoo Keeper, 'The poor thing is trying get the taste out of its mouth.'
Pair a Ditters
"So poor old Bill McGowan and Chas Dempsey - suffering a little from long term memory loss
were sitting on the steps of Soccer NZ's offices, when Ken Dugdale drove his ice cream van past.
"Gee," said bleary old Bill. "I'd love an ice cream right now."
"Would you like me to get you one?" asked Charlie ?.
"Are you joking?" Bill snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away."
"No, I wouldnae," replied Chas."
"All right, then," pouted Bill. "I want a double cone, mint ice cream, choc chips, and a cherry on top."
Sharp as a tack, Charlie repeated the order flawlessly.
Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies.
Bill looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself.
You forgot the bloody sauce ! "
Jaffa Bait
So Malcolm, Barry and Blair were sitting on the high cliffs of Otago peninsula, with a rope
going down into the surf and an Aucklander frantically trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.
Malcolm looks at the other, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," said BVG,
"that's Father Evans. He knows all there is about the bible."
Blair looked around and says out the corner of his mouth,
"Well he knows stuff all about shark fishing."
Is this a Joke ?
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African,
an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers,
a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into Cableways Tavern..
The bar tender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
180